Lot harder than what I thought!

     I am so very frustrated. I can not do this on my own like I have said in the past. It is very hard when you don't have a support system at all. Other than coming short of just setting the one's down in my  life, and telling them look I need your help. I have said it in conversations before, but just setting them down, and looking them in the eye, and telling them. I haven't!  Ok mom and dad knows I want and need to lose weight, and so they want to do the same, BUT 2-3 mornings a week they go get doughnuts for breakfast, and just saying NO to eat doughnuts when you are just starting out is VERY hard, and I feel that is where I fail.
     I have let food control me for so long, and I can't seem to get it under control. I know if I went to tell people about how hard it is not only just mom, and dad, but EVERYONE around me the response I will get is just don't eat it. Ok that is HARD true, but HARD!! I feel so stupid for this whole blog at times like I shouldn't even be complaining about this when there is people out there a WHOLE lot worse off than just battling weight!
     I am so lost in this shell of mine AND very unhappy.

     Well enough complaining for one night!

I really want this to happen.

     I really want this change to happen in my life. I want to be able to look in the mirror, & be happy with what I see for the first time. That would be nice for a change! I have done pretty good today, but I ALWAYS do good for the first 3-5 days, & then it's back to normal again, but this time I want to make my change the normal. I keep on seeing the seen where Hanna says that she felt like she was nothing. It keeps playing over, & over in my head, & I continue to say to myself I AM WORTH IT, but at the same time I just keep remembering how MANY times I have failed in the past.
     I also keep seeing the seen when everyone especially Hanna, & Olivia come out busting through the paper of their before photo how confident, & bold they are, & how the walk with their head held high, & mostly how they are SO HAPPY with themselves, & they have every right to be! I am so very proud of them. One day that will be me. When I lose all my weight I want to meet them, & hug them how they hugged Bob, & Jillian, & let them know how much they have inspired me. I have got to get to work on this though! I know this will not be no walk in the park, but it sure does help when you have others around you that will join this journey with you!
     I really want to show that clip to my family & friends and let them know that that is how I feel, but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to look stupid or just hear them say please or whatever! I have NEVER related to another person on TBL like this. Yes I have always understood what they are going through or how they are unhappy, but there is just something about Hannna that just clicks with me! I know that since they did it I can do it too. Yea they were on TBL, & had trainers & all, but I have the best trainer in the world on my side, & that is GOD!!!

Wanting a change, but can I do it?

    
     Today May 25th, 2011 I watched The Biggest Loser (TBL) Season 11 Week 20, I currently weigh 300lbs, and I am 31 fixing to be 32 on June 30th, about to start school in the fall. I am a mother to a beautiful girl Victoria who is full of life, but I see so much of the "BAD" qualities that I have going into her, and I don't want this life for her. She is headed in the same direction I am in. I am also a wife to a wonderful man RD we will be married for 14yrs on June 7th he is so amazing I know he loves me, but sometimes it is hard to see that he or others for that fact can love me when I just look at myself and see nothing, and I want that to change, because I know somewhere down deep that I am something, and that I am WORTH this fight! I have for many years now wanted this change but like Hanna and Olivia (TBL's final 2, & sisters) I have some how gotten lost in all of this mess. From day to day life. This disease, this curse has just over taken me. I can relate so much to them especially Hanna. I look in the mirror, & all I see is disgust. That I am not worth anything. I am VERY unhappy with myself, how I have let myself go. I have a beautiful fun, loving spirit just dying to come out, but I am stuck in this HORRIBLE shell. I have tried NUMEROUS diets, things to loose weight do this fad, and get off, and then go to the next fad. I can NEVER stick with it. I ALWAYS give in, and I am so very tired of being this person who on the outside I try to put on this good show like all is ok, and sometimes I know I don't hide it very well, but when down deep it's not ok. I am crying and screaming for help, for someone to just realize, for ME to just realize that I AM WORTH something, that I AM WORTH FIGHTING for. I am tired of all the roller coaster rides. I WANT A CHANGE, AND I WANT TO START IT TODAY!!!  Like I said my birthday is coming up in just a little over a month, and I would love to lose 30lbs by my birthday, but I don't want to set myself up for failure so I will start with, I want to lose 5lbs this week! I know that I can, and hopefully will do more. I am ready to start this new journey of my life. I have said if I can conquer this one thing in my life than I know I can conquer anything that comes my way, and with GOD's help I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST JESUS WHO STRENGTHENS ME.